Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tired Thoughts and a Change in Perspective

So there are about a billion things I need to update on here, like how I won the Biggest Loser competition (that ended 2 months ago), or about our trip to Oregon with all the pictures associated with it, or the Stringham Family reunion at Henry's Lake that I didn't go to because I was still stuck behind my sewing machine, or the first day of school that started last week and today was picture day (Seriously! It's AUGUST!) , or about my not one but TWO new callings I got right in the middle of all my tie-making madness (guess that'll teach me to open my big mouth), or Hannah's 10th birthday 2 days ago, or Maggie's 9th birthday 4 days ago, or how about the night I slept for a full 8 hours? Wait...that hasn't happened yet.

Yes, each event does merit its own post, and I promise I'll get to it eventually, but today I need to get some feelings down that are still quite raw and tender. Hope you'll humor me.

The past few months have been the most stressful of my life. Too many things weighing heavily on me, and not much by way of relief. I wish I could say that I made all the correct decisions along the way, despite the pressure, but that wasn't the case. I only hope that my intentions can be recognized for what they are and have been--good.

Due to a few recent events that I'll not go into detail about, I've been pondering deeply the way I interact with other people. I realize that I'm really good at casual relationships, but when it comes to deep and meaningful ones, I'm seriously faltering. My version of "helping" tends to be judgmental and even selfish, and my pridefulness has been a source of unintentional hurt to those who deserve compassion and understanding. I'm grateful for a God that bestows forgiveness so easily. I'm also grateful for His mandate to change, and the tools He makes available to me to do so.

There continue to be stresses, both placed on me by others, and the ones I place upon myself, but as I try to trudge forward, I'm no longer praying for my burdens to be removed. Instead, I'm hopeful that I'll be given a back strong enough to carry it all, for as long as I need to carry it.

(I realize I sound depressed and brooding. It's really not the case. I'm just overly analytical and find that I work though it all best when I can see it on paper...or the computer screen in this case.)

I just thought of the scripture: "To whom much is given, much is required" in a very different way right now. I always focused on the "requirement" part--so much that's being required of me--but I just realized that with the mountain that's being required of me, it stands to reason that I must truly have also been given a mountain. A different perspective can bring much in the way of peace.

Exhaustion is setting in, and I'm not sure that the rest of my thoughts will be viewed as coherent by morning. I guess I'd better return to this later on, else someone views my thoughts as a cry for help....totally NOT, ok? :)

No comments: