Teach the Children

When touched by the Spirit, tears flow so easily for me, but often words do not.



Today I watched this short video between Conference sessions about The Redeemer, with Maggie and Bridget seated beside me.
"Mom, you're crying AGAIN!" they said, between giggles.
"I know, I know. Mom just cries at everything, doesn't she?" I said, as I quickly wiped my face and turned off the computer to make my way to the kitchen.
Dinner was ready in time for the start of the last session, so we sat down to eat our lovely Easter dinner, with Maggie's boombox strategically placed on the counter so we wouldn't miss a thing. (The meal must've been good because everyone was quiet enough for us to hear the talks!)

As Elder Hales began to speak of how his mother wanted him home for dinner before he could go out to play baseball, I looked around our kitchen table and felt an overwhelming sense of joy that our family was all there together.
I was further impressed when he started talking about the Nephites during the time of King Benjamin, and how "there were many of the rising generation that could not understand the words of king Benjamin, being little children at the time he spake unto his people..." (Mosiah 26:1) I at once thought about Elder Bednar's talk yesterday. "Parents should be vigilant and spiritually attentive to spontaneously occurring opportunities to bear testimony to their children," he said. "Such occasions need not be programmed, scheduled or scripted. In fact, the less regimented such testimony sharing is, the greater the likelihood for edification and lasting impact" (see Doctrine and Covenants 84:85). I also thought of how I had let that moment pass me by as I had earlier wept with my children beside me, never explaining to them why my heart was so tender. It never occurred to me until that moment that my children could be like those Nephites who didn't understand, so they hardened their hearts, consequently were not baptized, and never joined the church, separating themselves from the Lord.

How could I possibly think my sweet little ones would understand the deepest feelings of my heart toward my Savior, Jesus Christ, just by looking at the tears streaming down my cheeks? How will they know if I don't take the opportunities given to me by the Spirit to testify of truth?
This Conference, for me, was the most touching and powerful of any I can recall. So much was directed toward my role as a mother, as I repeatedly heard, "Teach the children." I can't wait to read the talks over and see what other things the Spirit impresses upon me, and I can't wait to share these things with my children. My tears will be learning to have a voice.

Blessings.

“God does notice us, and He watches over us.
But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs."
--Spencer W. Kimball

A few weeks ago, Mike's parents were in Nebraska helping Grandma Behan go through her estate before she moved into an assisted living home. She had been driven all over the place, staying with Barb, Wayne, Marlene, and Diane for stretches of time since she's no longer able to care for herself entirely. She finally got fed up with all the traveling and made the decision to find a place to stay put. She found a really nice home to go to where the ladies spend their days playing Pinochle, and welcomed her right into the group...perfect!
We got a phone call in the midst of all this, asking if we wanted Grandma's minivan. With Mike's Aunt Diane also wanting the van, it was decided that whomever wanted it would have to buy it from Grandma, with the money going toward her assisted living costs. Although we were in the market for a vehicle, it was a little more than our budget would allow, plus we REALLY didn't want to get in the middle of a family feud over a van. We were a little disappointed, but life goes on, right?
Then last weekend, Barb called again from Nebraska, asking if we still needed a van. Mike told her we were waiting on our tax return, so we hadn't bought one yet. She could hardly contain her excitement as she said, "Good. Because your Dad and I just bought Grandma's van and he's driving it home for you right now!" To say that we were surprised is a complete understatement. We weren't quite sure what to say or think at this point, because we knew we couldn't afford to pay them the entire cost of the vehicle. Then she said something even more astounding. "It's a gift from us and we won't take a dime for it."
With that news came several different emotions.

Relief. The financial burden we'd been carrying for months had been somewhat relieved by this one act of immense generosity. While we had planned on spending to purchase another vehicle, that money is now freed up to meet other needs. No more illegally or dangerously cramming all 7 of us into the truck, or driving back & forth to drop off & pick up Mike at his worksites.

Guilt. The financial decisions we'd made up until this point contributed to our situation, therefore, did we deserve a gift of this magnitude? What are they sacrificing in their life in order to meet OUR need? Will their other children harbor bad feelings in not receiving something as well? How do we make it up to them? How will they perceive future spending on our part, and will they regret their choice to help us now?

Gratitude. We are so grateful to belong to a family that sees a need and chooses to meet it. We are so grateful that we are loved enough to be found worth sacrificing for. We are so grateful that Heavenly Father has been watching over us, and is blessing us, though at times those blessings seem hard to find.

What it all comes to is the fact that helping someone (for me) is so much easier than accepting help from someone else. Especially for one as stubborn and independent as I. However, I've had the blessed opportunity of helping someone in need, with great sacrifice to myself, and I've never regretted making that sacrifice. Something profound happens that enlarges your soul when you sacrifice to help another, and that growth cannot happen by any other means. Perhaps the same can be said for those who allow another the opportunity to make that sacrifice. My soul has been enlarged and my humility deepened. Even though we are determined to repay Mike's parents in one way or another, we've all benefited from their selfless generosity. Their example leaves me more determined now to find ways that I can help another, whether by small means or great. I'm relieved. I'm humbled. I'm grateful.

Life is But a Dream

Since Bridget has a double ear infection and Dixon's on his way to one, I'm at home today instead of church. The last couple of nights have been miserable with constant sleep interruptions (at least hourly) and night feedings that I thought we'd done away with. Makes it hard to be anything but grouchy come morning. On the plus side, I didn't have a mad dash to get all gussied up and out the door this morning, and plan to remain in my cozy, albeit frumpy, jammies for the duration of the day. Right now it's quieter than it has been in a while, with the older girls and Mike at church and Dixon napping. Bridget is creating all sorts of art projects with things from the Sunday Box while she eats strawberries, wearing an outfit she put together herself. Good thing we aren't making any public appearances today.

I'm still trying to climb out of my rut that seems more like a giant chasm at times (I know--the frumpy jammies and lack of showering don't really help), but I think I'm making progress--a little, but progress nonetheless. It's nice to have a little time to reflect on some of the troubles that have been weighing on me, and to try to both put them in perspective, and find solutions to them. I feel at times as though I'm one breath away from drowning, as I struggle to find peace. It occurs to me that I'm supposed to be learning some great lessons through this, and again, I find myself turning to analogies to make sense of things.

The Current and the Shore

My life's little boat that I've been row, row, rowing down the stream sideswiped some rocks, filled with water and went under. In the meantime, that stream emptied into a mighty river, sweeping me into its roaring current. I now have two choices. I can swim with all my might to get to the shore as quickly as I can, or I can ride the current to some distant location downstream. If I choose the first, I'll more than likely waste my precious energy fighting against the current that is going to take me where it wants to anyway. In the event that I actually struggle hard enough and make it to the shore of my own accord, I'll be lost, and will doubtless have to struggle again through whatever terrain lies between that spot of shore and safety. If I choose the latter, it will take every ounce of faith I have to relax and be confident in my ability to keep my head above the water, however, remaining in the water will allow the current to effortlessly carry me to that destination at the end of the river. There will still be treacherous rapids to navigate and the threat of crashing into protruding rocks, but both options are fraught with inherent danger and unpleasantries.

I realize I've been looking for the relief that comes from finally getting to the shore and planting my feet back on solid ground, but only the Lord knows what lies in wait along the shoreline, and He has further to take me. If I struggle hard enough and get myself out now, I won't be where the Lord wants me to be, or end up where the Lord wants me to end up. I'll have to struggle through whatever terrain lies between where I got out and my 'final destination,' and as a result I may never make it there. It will take longer and be harder, ultimately, than remaining in the current and allowing it to effortlessly carry me. I just have to try not to drown in the process. It's a difficult thing for me to allow myself to relax while in the river, but I know if I do, it will be easier and I may even be able to enjoy some of the scenery along the way. After all, as President Hinckley said, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I was reading my friend, Ashlee's blog this morning and something she said really stood out to me.

"I have watched several people struggle to find solace in the midst of a trial. It seems to me that those who have the desire to be teachable while in the fight come out stronger. They do still experience frustration, loss, disappointment, sadness and more, but there is increased purpose and patience in their struggles. I think we can learn things the easy way or the hard way, and praying to be teachable makes every challenge just a bit easier."

I sincerely hadn't thought to pray for that, but I can see her point. By truly looking to and allowing myself to be teachable, amidst all this angst, I will be made stronger and wiser. And really, isn't that what the goal is? For wisdom is acting upon truth and knowledge. Now, I just need to find the courage to stay in the current.

The Funny Thing About Hope

From the time I was a teenager, I can think of a handful of talks that were so memorable, I can recall where I was, who was with me, and what was going on in my life at the time. The very first of such talks was given in a Sacrament Meeting in my Grand Coulee ward by Sister Lyn Strocsher. While I don't remember the details of the talk, I remember her topic of Hope hit me really hard, and I left that meeting with an inexpressible feeling that has followed me to this day. Whenever I approach the topic of hope, I can feel its importance. I can feel myself on the precipice of putting together all the pieces of the puzzle that make hope so important. In fact, I crave that understanding, but my muddled mind keeps understanding just out of arm's reach.

Tonight I feel as though I'm bridging that gap.

Life has been tough lately. I don't mean that it's hard having 5 kids to take care of (who aren't always well behaved...no, really). I'm not talking about the 5 loads of laundry I do every other day, that clutter my living room because I don't have the time to fold it and get it put away because I'm cleaning up one of the other 5 messes scattered about my house at any given time. I don't even mean all the running around I have to do between carpool & errands & appointments, or the fact that I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over a year.

I mean life has been really hard.

I'm by all accounts a control freak. It's something I'm trying to curtail, but it's difficult to try to manage something so innate. So, when Mike wakes up every morning for the last 2 months with no job to go to, my natural inclination is to freak out. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling like I'm just holding on by the skin of my teeth. I hate feeling out of control. But...I can't help but believe that the Lord is trying to teach us (or maybe just me) to be more faithful.

To trust in Him more.

To let Him lead.

It's a difficult thing to do when feeling stonewalled at every turn. We've been trying so hard to do EVERYTHING that we ought to. We're magnifying our callings, we're praying & reading our scriptures individually and as a family, we're paying our tithing & fast offerings, we're serving at every opportunity we get, we're holding family home evenings, we're attending the temple monthly, and we're honestly searching for job opportunities. We're doing everything we know to do--we've even started hocking stuff on the internet just to bring in a few dollars to pay bills--but nothing seems to have changed our situation. So where does that leave us?

I found a talk from the Oct. 2008 General Conference by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called The Infinite Power of Hope, and this excerpt eerily correlates with my feelings as of late.

"The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward."

When I read this, my first thought was, "That's me!" Then my second thought was, "That's me." Wow. I really let him get to me this time. My inability to trust in Heavenly Father has allowed the adversary to plant that seed of despair, and he got me good. He got me good.

Fortunately, I do have quite an arsenal at my disposal to draw from, now that I'm keenly aware of this attempted siege taking place. I keep coming back to the scripture in Abraham 3:25

"And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them."

I know we're going through a refiner's fire right now. We all know this world is getting scarier by the minute and the Lord needs "the best and the brightest" on His side. We are definitely being proven right now. And it's hard. And it hurts. And it's strangely exhilarating.

After a long conversation tonight with Mike about our future and where we're headed, for the first time in months, the despair lifted and I truly felt hope. It seems as though our life's path isn't what we'd pictured at all. The Lord seems to be taking us in a whole new direction, and that realization has brought an ounce of peace to my soul.

Pres. Uchtdorf continues, "Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear."

That's the funny thing about hope.

Even before the change has come, hope is the bridge that connects you to the light on the other side of despair.

Now it's faith's turn to make that first step.

And it's a doozy!

A Homemade Christmas

A few years ago, I got really disenchanted with Christmas. We'd bought the girls a bunch of things we thought they'd LOVE. And they did. For about 2 weeks. I was given a few things that didn't fit, and ended up returning my ENTIRE cache of gifts and never getting replacements for ANY of them. I was really troubled and discouraged by this and spent the next few months really questioning the entire Christmas season. Has gift-giving always been this way? Is this what I put so much time and effort into? Do I even remember the gifts I've been given over the years? If so, do I appreciate them and the thought that went into them? How do I make Christmas enjoyable AND memorable? I made a vow to never just go buy "stuff" again, and that has evolved into something truly deep and meaningful for me and for my family.

It began with a trip to the fabric store, where I bought some foam and some fabric. I spent my evenings that December busily sewing three little pillows for my three little girls. I found some beautiful paper and my favorite pen and proceeded to handwrite a letter to each of them. (Mike also writes them a letter.) I told them how much I loved them, what I'd seen them accomplish over the last year, gushed over how wonderful they were, and left them with my testimony of prayer and what it has meant to me in my life. They now use those little "prayer pillows" every night to kneel on as they are learning to communicate with their Heavenly Father.

The next year I chose to make little fabric covered journals and fun, feathery pencils for them. They were to be used only during the sacrament to help them think about the reason we partake of the bread and water. They could either write or draw a picture of something having to do with Christ. One week I asked them to write/draw something that Jesus made. Another week it was write/draw about why we love Jesus. Again, I wrote a letter to each of the girls, telling them how much I loved them, what I'd seen them accomplish over the last year, gushing over how wonderful they were, and leaving them with my testimony of the importance of keeping a journal and recording how we feel about the Savior.

There are a few things that I love about my new direction for Christmas.
1) I'm giving my children something they will use--and use often--so that it doesn't become just another present.
2) It may not matter to them now, but someday, they will cherish the letters they got from Mom & Dad every Christmas.
3) They will always have a record of their parents' testimony of specific principles of the gospel.

I have a renewed love for Christmas now and have decided to pass this on to my children. This year, we're having a "Homemade Christmas" where everything given will have to be made by the giver (with a little help from Mom & Dad, of course). The girls have already decided what they want to make and we've done some shopping for materials already. I think I get asked hourly by at least one of them if they can start on their project yet. I will be documenting the excitement as we go along. It should be an interesting ride! I hope this will make Christmas more memorable for all of us, and help us to focus on the reason we have Christmas in the first place.

The principle I'm focusing on this year will be the Sabbath Day. I plan on making that Sunday Box I mentioned a few months ago and have a really good start on items to go in it already. (Thank you for going out of business at 70% off Ben Franklin!) Since Dixon's a little too small to benefit from the Sunday Box just yet, and trying to keep with my Sabbath Day theme, I scratched my sewing itch and made these oh so adorable little man ties!


I gave the bigger ones away (as payment for Maggie's piano lessons...thanks, Eden! Your boys were so HANDSOME in them today!), but I'm totally excited to make a BUNCH more now that I have a pattern and it takes me only about 20 minutes to whip one up! And yes, I realize that this is supposed to be a Christmas present, but how could I resist??? Now I have an excuse to go buy some darling fabric and make some more!

The Mathematics of Being Right

I love having discussions. I've always felt like I have wisdom to impart on anyone who would have the ears to hear me, and I love hearing how other opinions align with my own. When I come to conclusions about things, it's usually because I've thought things through carefully, leading me to the right answer.

I started thinking this morning, that life, and even individual cirumstances, can be compared to a math equation. (I know. Math has never been my strong suit. One could therefore argue that life isn't my strong suit either, but let's save that discussion for another day.) We (and by "we" I mean "I") tend to go through life comparing our answers to others' answers, after all, that's how a teacher knows whether or not a student understands a concept--by looking at the answer. If the answers aren't the same, then a mistake has been made somewhere along the way. The teacher then pinpoints the mistake and the correct conclusion can finally be formed. I've always had an inclination to play the role of teacher, and have thought of it as my place to inform or correct someone where possible, so they can have all the information they need to make the "correct" decision. (Though I think I've always maintained that people have a right to their opinion--even if their opinion is wrong. I would just view this as someone being mis-or under-informed. Hence, in need of my correction.)

While there is some validity to this analogy, I now realize that I was fundamentally off base. You see, not everyone is given the same equation in life. Suzy may have a square root thrown into her equation which will completely alter not only the way she works her equation, but also her results. She may get an answer that is completely opposite to mine. Dan may not only have a square root, but also some exponential inserted into his equation, making his answer different from either Suzy's or mine. Does that make anyone's answers wrong? Nope. It makes them all exactly right, according to their equations (and provided they worked the equation right, which is another discussion altogether).

It's so easy to make judgments on others' conclusions according to our own equation. In fact, this is almost always the case. You can see how this could be and IS a problem, especially for one like me who has a bad case of correctionitis.

Judgement comes as a natural result of needing to make decisions. Without being able to judge, we would have no ability to chose and therefore have no agency. Judgement is a good and necessary tool in this life, but as with everything else, Satan tries to use even good and necessary tools to his benefit. We are commanded to "Judge not, lest ye be judged." We are warned to refrain from making judgments about others, especially when we aren't privvy to all the details involved in someone else's life. At the same time we're commanded to "Judge ye therefore righteously." Some judgments must be made. The only way to judge righteously is to ask the Lord, and to rely on the Spirit to guide us in our attempts to come to correct conclusions. We are faced continually with decisions that require our good judgment. Only Christ knows what even the smallest of factors may be in each of our lives, guiding each of our decisions, so is it any wonder that "He inviteth all to come unto him"? How else can we possibly judge righteously?

SO, this judger has some work to do. Again. I'm still totally opinionated--don't see that changing much. But I hope that I can slow my judgment reactions by remembering that everyone's equation is different.

So, please, don't judge this judger.

Watching our Gratitude Grow

So often, one of our most important holidays is overlooked as decorations, commercials and billboards for Christmas go up earlier and earlier--before Halloween, even! I want my children to look forward to Thanksgiving as much as they do any other sugar-induced celebration, if not more. Thanksgiving seems to be the least commercially tainted of all the holidays--maybe that's why I like it so much. As I was thinking about what I could do to make this holiday stand out (in a good way), I perused a few different sites on the web, and wouldn't you know, Tara had blogged just this morning about her Gratitude Tree. Tara got the idea from a friend, who got the idea from another friend...I just love how good ideas go 'round and 'round! I was so excited to find something other than paper chains to record tidbits of gratitude on that I immediately took down all the Halloween decor and set out to making my tree. Here's what 6 brown paper bags and a little painter's tape got me:I found a bunch of fall-colored scrapbook paper that I no longer use thanks to my blog. (Yay for technology!) So I cut out a bunch of leaves from them and left them in the box at the base of the tree along with tape and a pen. The hope is that the girls (and Mike and I) will be inspired throughout the month to stop and think about what they are grateful for, and make our Gratitude Tree grow. I'm so excited for Family Home Evening tonight! I love the idea of being immersed in gratitude. Hopefully that same feeling will carry on into the next holiday, as Christmas certainly tends to turn us toward what "I" will be getting. I'll post about this again after Thanksgiving so we can check our gratitude growth.

Lesson Learned from an Unexpected Source

Last weekend was our yearly broadcast of Stake Conference. It was given from Utah State University to all of Northern Utah & I'm assuming parts of Idaho and Wyoming as well. We've only had one other broadcast, and that seemed to be mostly talks about someone else's relatives coming across the plains. Not really enough to keep this ADHD stricken girl attentive. It made me not generally a fan of the broadcast ones, and let's face it--once the lights go down in the chapel, it triggers my sleep response. Its one redeeming grace is the fact that our Stake Center is not big enough to house everyone, so they show the meeting in two sessions. This removes any guilt I may have for not making my kids sit through 2 hours of sacrament meeting. Mike goes to one session and I go to the other. It really is brilliant...at least until the kids are old enough to not be a complete disruption. In fact, because Maggie was baptized a couple of months ago, I thought she was ready to come to conference with me, so we packed up our scriptures, our notebooks and pens an headed out.
I think the last time I took a notebook and pen to a meeting was in college. There really is no point, now that I have kids. Unless I grew a third arm for writing, and a second head that could pay attention to something other than flying crayons and elbows. I asked Maggie to bring her notebook along as well because I knew she couldn't be still and pay attention the whole time either. She let me read some of what she had written earlier--things like: I *heart* Hannah Montana. Jana is my best friend. And some story about being a fairy. Gotta love that girl of mine.
I had forgotten how much more I get out of meetings when I'm writing. Some of the things I wrote down were:

• "Going to the temple will peel off the selfish shell." I have not made a valiant enough effort to get to the temple. I've used my children as an excuse, and I've used the Mortuary as an excuse for not having enough time to go. I had the distinct impression as I was listening to Elder Rasband's talk that I've proven I can get up early to work out, so I also need to get up early to go to the temple. Mike and I have two weekends a month that we are not on-call, so we can trade off going to the 5 or 6 am session on those Saturday mornings. Imagine how I felt when I shared this impression with Mike and was told he had thought the exact same thing. Guess you know where one of us will be Saturday.

• "The degree we to which we keep the commandments is the degree to which we love the Lord." (quoted from a talk by Pres. Uchtdorf) I need to more closely examine the things in my life that would keep me from loving the Lord with all my heart, might, mind and strength. Most pressing on my mind is the command to "pray always" as I've NEVER been good at prayer. Meredith was telling me about a talk she heard--I apologize for not knowing the reference--where it was said that prayer cannot be sincere without sincere scripture study. I'm still struggling to find that daily study time, though we've been quite successful at family scripture study. I think this may be my missing link.

• "If others have come up easier, they have not learned so much."--John Tanner, on crossing the plains and losing everything. Not only does this help me keep my trials in perspective, but it really made me want to go read more about my progenitors. I guess I can pay attention to pioneer stories.

• "Optimism is THE virtue to be considered during tribulation." and "Hard times create a great place to raise latter-day families."
  

• "Be CONSISTENT: in family prayer, in scripture study and in alone time with each child." I love President Eyring. I think if we knew each other, we'd be great friends. Of any of the apostles, I feel like he just has love laced through every sentence he utters. We are very consistent in family prayer. We are becoming consistent in family scripture study. I need to be better about spending more individual time with Maggie, Brooke and Katie.

All of these are things I wanted to remember. Things that made an impression on me, and things that, if incorporated into my life, will make me a better person. I expect to find nuggets like this in the meetings I attend, when I look for them. What's an even greater blessing is when you find nuggets without searching. During Pres. Eyring's talk, I noticed Maggie busily scribbling away in her notebook. Her writings had entertained me so much before, that on the way home I asked what she'd been writing. She said, "Oh, just some things that I thought that I should do when I was listening to that talk."
"Like what?" I asked.
"Like, I should love others more and be nicer to my sisters."
I immediately thought of Elder Scott's talk from General Conference on acquiring spiritual guidance. I was able to help Maggie understand that the thoughts she had during Elder Eyring's talk was the Holy Ghost giving her inspiration. What an amazing experience to be able to teach my daughter about something so seemingly intangible to a lot of people, in such a tangible way. I hope she won't forget our conference experience together. I know I certainly never will.